Morning Pages

October 28, 2015 at 9:10 PM

Morning Pages

This is absurd. I’m tired. I’ve got plenty of writing to deal with. I need a post for tomorrow. 

Bring it on! 

Where’s the pain! I want the pain. I love pain. 

Billy. You need your sleep. 

There is no good work going to be done. 

It’s basic. Sleep is the best meditation.

Work on your system. 

Goals are for losers. Systems produce results. Goals produce failure more than results, when looked at from the prospective of time. From the time you’ve set a goal to the time until you’ve completed it, you’ve failed. Immediately after you’ve completed the goal, it’s useless. Over the course of time the goal is in place it spends most of it’s time causing pain. 

I love pain. Bring it on!

Goals do bring you out of your comfort zone though.

I’m back to the question of first, second and third person self talk. What is the efficacy and meaning behind the switching between first, second and third person in self talk? This might be a good question for Terry tomorrow. 

I’m getting anxious about tomorrow with Terry… Bring it on!

It will be our first meeting in the context of MSBR, but I most concerned about the payment situation. There’s that anxiety. Bring it on!

Just the feeling. What does it feel like? 

It’s in my dick at the base of my shaft convulsing. Yes. I love that feeling. Yes. I know what it is. It’s an orgasm. I particular kind of orgasm. Shooting blanks. Cumming to porn after I’ve cum to porn all night. Yes. I love it. It’s showing me the way. 

“I Hate You,” it says.

That would be self hate then.

<Alan’s voice>By definition.</Alan>


Bring it on! Talk to me self hate. What are you all about?

I was wrong to rape that girl. I will do anything to amend the harm that I’ve done.

“You can’t help me Billy. You can only love me.”

 Thank you, Amy.

I did love you. I’m so sorry. I know that doesn’t cut it, but I do have regret with a firm resolve to do better.

“That’s all you can offer me. I want to eat your cock off a plate. You will die and suffer.”

Yes. I suffer through eternity. May God’s will be done.

“I don’t have anything else to say, but I’m going to kill you again later.”

Okay. I die a thousand times for you.

“Please don’t let me bleed…

Can’t you please… make her stop.”

I’m sorry. It was my fault. I had a choice. I choose wrongly. I suffer because of that… Eternally.

“Not in every arising moment you don’t.”

The feeling fades…

I’m sorry that you missed it. Those were some good orgasms we had thinking about you…

Like the orgasms you had thinking about all those women, all those pornstars.

Know that you are healed.

Thank you, Jesus!

I can’t hate Billy.

Why not?

I AM Billy.

I don’t want to feel what he feels when I do hate Billy.

Hi “I do hate Billy,”

I feel something on on my neck. Like a noose tightening. The pain. I follow.

I do hate Billy is not giving up so easily. I want him dead.

How can I make it up to you Navid.

Wait… I didn’t wrong Navid.

I didn’t know I had a choice of whether to let him down or not. I assumed that I would, because that was my history up to that point. I had not realized the strength I could receive from commitment.

He didn’t. He didn’t. 

I’m sorry Navid. You just killed yourself, not Billy.

Billy. You can’t be serious. Don’t let me die here.



I don’t know what to say Navid. I really appreciated your courage. Your humor. Your sexy moves. Your strength. Your Love. Your street smarts. You were cool. I liked you. I had love for you. I didn’t know you well enough. I couldn’t. I didn’t know myself well enough to relate.

Don’t leave.

I’m sorry. My time is up.

October 28, 2015 at 9:43 PM